Under the influence

Well at the moment i feel relatively happy but that is only due to the fact that i am drunk.

Its a shame that it takes something like alcohol to chill me out. But at the moment im up for fun im up for a laugh and just generally having a good time.

If anyone out there is also drinking well id like to raise a glass to you 🙂

its a sad day when you need to get intoxicated to have fun. But as long as im having fun im going to damn well enjoy it 🙂 

Anxiety

Well lately my anxiety and anger has been through the roof. I saw the psychiatrist today to talk about this. He upped my sertraline to the max of 200mg, put me on propranolol and pushed through his refferal to the psycologist.

Apparently i need help coping with emotions as well as anxiety. This the paychiatrist hopes the paycologist will help with.

I hate the feeling of having constant butterflies in my stomach, the palpatations especially when i lay down to sleep and the overthinking and ongoing inability to just chill the fuck out.

I need to relax. I really need to relax. I am not sure how to do this. Throughout my life the only way ice ever been able to relax is by taking drugs. However…. i stopped taking drugs years ago my god i dont even smoke anymore so how the hell am i supposed to calm down.

The only thing i can think of is perscription medication but to be honest its incredibly hard to get the stuff i wqnt perscribed… especially when you have a heart condition. So many interactions with tablets that the docs dont want to chance giving you anything.

My amisulpride chilled me out for a bit but then my body got used to them. But im hoping the propranalol with the increased anti depressants might help. Although id prefer a shitload of tamazepam or diazepam beggars cant be choosers.

I can always take more than the suggested dose of propranolol but just have to be careful because they are beta blockers if you take too much they can stop your heart.

Sometimes i think it would be far easier to just sit back and have a joint… anyone got one spare? 😉

Till next time ill carry on barely surviving
BSP

Pawprints on my heart

I have one thing in my life that is worth more than the whole world to me. That would be my dog. I have ao much love for her i look at her and actually feel real warmth inside me.

I am always thinking about her and about her wellbeing. When i am not with her i miss her like crazy. I have honestly never felt a love like this before in my life. I feel i need to be there for her. To protect her from anything that would harm her and hug her as much as i possibly can. Perhaps this is how women feel about their children.

I suffer from depression but my dog is always there initiating cuddles when i am down and low. I look at her when im depressed and the pain eases slightly.

If ive had an argument with someone or i feel that the world just doesnt understand me she is there with wide eyes and a wagging tail ready to make my day.

She is my world. I dont think i could ever love a man the way i love her. Well no its a different kind of love. Its a motherly white knight kinda love. But then at the same time im looking after and protecting her…. she is looking after and protecting me.

I love my dog. I will always love my dog. She is my everything. Especially at times like these where i feel so unwanted and unloved.

A struggle and a solution

Well ive always struggled with my weight. Now being overweight has always been a big factor in my depression.

Ive tried dieting many a time ive lost weight but never been able to keep it off. Currentley at 19stone (2 stone lighter than my largest) i am at a lost end. Well i was.

Paranoid psychosis makes me believe that everyone is looking at me. Staring at me. Thinking how horrible i look at my current weight. I am always looking for baggy clothes which hide my figure so the people cant see the real me. Being overweight sometimes makes my life unbearable. What with the depression and the paranoia and the fact that a lot of people actually look down on people that are overweight its very hard indeed.

Well ive had enough. I went to the doctors recently and enquired about a gastric band operation. Now the pills i am on both for my psychosis and my depression make me put on weight also i take the deproprovera injection which also puts on weight. None of these i can stop because i need them for medical reasons. Fortunetly my doctor understands this.

So the refferal for the surgery is being made. Its a long process which involves 6months of attending a weight loss program, counselling, dietitians and much more. However, i am on my way there.

Hopefully this surgery will not only improve my mental well being but my physical state. I am just so unhappy the way i am i need this i really do.

Till next time ill carry on barely surviving
BSP

Trying to sleep

And so same shit night after night… i am an overthinker… a worrier and for some reason it all kicks in when i put my head on the pillow.

I start to think random thoughts about people or things or even memories and past conversations. It all comes flooding into my head and makes me angry as hell.
All i want to do is sleep!                 

But no life isnt as simple as that . God forbid i would be able to just lay down and go to sleep!

I dont know if any of you have the same problem as i do in this department but if you do i feel your pain. I get myself so wound up so anxious and nervous and angry that my heart starts jumping out of my chest. All my problems just seem greater at night.            

The worst is when i get a flood of bad memories one after the other of things i really dont want to remember. I have to take a break from trying to sleep at this point and pull my phone out and go on facebook or something to get my mind off of it…. currently its writing this post that is my break away for the night. And although im talking about my problem its still helping to distact me slightly.

It takes hours for me to get to sleep because of this. The only time i am able to get to sleep faster is when i leave the tv on and wait till i get really incredibly tired then the sounds from the tv occupy my brain instead.

Ive always had a problem with sleeping either too much or too little. Ive had periods where ive taken sleeping pills for months to drown out voices and knock me out. Unfortunetly your body starts to get immune to sleeping tablets.        

Now due to my heart condition and the pills i am taking the doctor wont give me sleeping tablets anymore. So i just have to put up with it.

Anyway i suppose i had better go back to my neverending battle. I might go and fetch the frying pan and give myself a good old wack round the head if this carries on.

Oh well…
Till next time ill carry on barely surviving.
BSP